So I started writing some poetry... Figured I'd share it here.  I haven't posted for a while.

My Mask
I smashed my face in
Ran it straight into the wall
Skin peeled back
A gaping hole that used to be a nose
I had to do it you see
She was always more beautiful than me
She was a source of pride
And pride is not allowed
She is gone now
And she took my self-love
Now all that is left is my mask

So I watched the movie Blood Diamond.  I really enjoyed it a great deal despite the fact that it triggered my white priveledged American guilt response.  Every time I experience a moving film about a very real and very ugly reality I have a moment of feeling lost and guilty.  While I'm grateful that I can live in a secure home in which psychopaths will never invade and steal my child and husband, I have to wrestle with the fact that the people who have that happen to them are not any more deserving of that fate than I am, and how do I reconcile myself with my life of relative priveledge when others do not have the ability to fulfill basic needs.

I recognize that in the past I would pendulum between relying on some explanation of karmic superiority or luck to keep me sheltered from my feelings of guilt, or else I would resolve that the only good thing that I could do would be to give up all comfort, join the Peace Corp or Red Cross and try to actually do something to stop these attrocities.  Of course I would never actually do the latter... so instead I would have to concede that I am not really a good person and wallow around in my guilt until I'm destracted by something else that allows me to forget about Africa, and the violent nature of modern man.

So... being more self aware.  I recognized how I follow this pattern and instead of allowing myself to retreat in one direction or the other I decided to just sit with it.  To be aware of all of my questions about priveledge, my desire to do something real to help, the journey that I'm on and how my ambitions fit in with the bigger picture and social of political issues.  I recognize that I am only one person, but that one person can affect and energize others to create large change.  I went to sleep pondering all of these, and trying not slip into my typical reactions of rationalization or making unrealistic plans.

The next day I picked up one of the books that I bought at the library sale at my school... one dollar for paper backs, two for hard backs.  The book I started reading is called Sexual Peace by Michael Sky.  I'm not sure what I was expecting it to be, but the first chapter was really about gender domination issues, and how the same disfunctional relationship issues have caused the greatest social and religious attrocities.  The argument in the book are very well supported, and amazing spoke directly to the concerns I had been struggling with the night before.  It basically gave me the link between what I am trying to do professionally and how that might be able to affect greater change.

Carl Jung asserted that the only way to change the world is to change oneself, and I always just accepted that at face value, but I don't know if I really truely bought into it.  Now I've been working on writing a paper about synchronicity.  I'm really starting to see how once I've given up on fixing everyone else and really accepted that I have to begin with myself, recognize my own behavior patterns and started changing them for the better, that synchronicity kicks in and creates opportunities where there were none before.  I feel like it's highly metaphysical but not in the least bit supernatural.  I'm just more aware and concerned... somehow I knew which book had the answers I needed, or maybe I would have found some sort of answer no matter which book I picked up.  Slowly but surely I'm building up a powerful faith in my own ability to create internal change, and that's beginning to transform into a faith that my internal changes will have a positive impact on the external.

I talked to Brooksie today and she told me thanked me.  She told me that observing my transformation, and hearing me communicate about the changes in my perception and thinking patterns has had a really positive impact on her.  She said that I've helped her to recognize her ways of being religious, and sharing religion and that she's realized that it's ok for other people to have thier own beliefs, even if she disagrees with them.  It's a strange sort of proof of Jung's concept... for at least ten years I've been fighting and arguing and getting angry and upset with Brooksie about religion and politics.  For all my effort and loss I never once felt like I made any progress toward being understood by her.  Now instead of fighting I really try to be mindful of how I react to her and why.  I realized that her strong beliefs were very threatening to me... that even though I might have said that they did not effect me, I was very bothered by the fact that someone I love and respect could have such "irrational" beliefs.  Really I just needed to disprove her beliefs as a means of proving my own.  I had to let go of that need to prove and simply sit with my own beliefs reflect on them and realize that I don't need others to hold my beliefs in order to be right.

I feel very proud of myself for the progress I've made.  I feel very appreciated by those around me.  I'm learning to be honest about my feelings, not just with others but with myself.  I'm learning self defense without having a need to attack others.  I've learned that by being a good sister and can effect a meaningful change, and when I have my Psy.D. my words and actions will impact a much larger community.

If I tried to go over to Africa and single handedly put a stop to violence and oppression I would only get myself killed.  If I really want to make a change I need to continue to learn and change from the inside.  Maybe if I can become less supportive of violence and opression... less violent and oppressive myself... maybe if I can become peaceful... maybe then others will see and want to be peaceful too... maybe it will make a difference, but even if the difference is only enough to affect my sister, my daughter and my friends it will be completely worth it.

Been busy...

Our good friend Oliver was here for the past five days.  We spent a lot of time cruising around the Bay Area.  We drove up to Point Reyes, played at the beach and saw the elephant seals.  We drove down to Santa Cruz, the water was a wee bit warmer there but it had lots and lots of debris... not the pretty blue water farther up north, that and it's not nearly as moving and tranquil being at a busy beach boardwalk, on the way out there we stopped at Pescadero Beach, the tide was really high, and we walked around out on the rocks.  I felt like the little mermaid!  We also drove down to San Jose because Oliver is considering a relocation to that area, apparently there are a lot of FedEx openings in the San Jose area.

So I did finally finish my homework from before, but between my after cohort recovery time, and Oliver's visit I now find myself right back at crunch time.  I have three major papers, a major art project, and two minor papers before the semester is over.  Thank god I no longer have to worry about finals!  I'm really looking forward to starting up second semester!

I've been building new friendships with some of my classmates.  I went to a really good dance class with one classmate... the dance style is called NIA and it's a combination of Modern, Jazz, Yoga and Martial Arts... it was pretty cool and had a lot of room for personal expression.  I plan on going back next week.  I really loved it.

On Friday I'm getting together with a couple of classmates to work on the art project.  We were given cardboard boxes and we need to use them in an autobiographical art project that represents our voice.  I think it will be a lot of fun to have some girl time with them.

We had seafood for dinner the past three evenings, once at a resturant in Half Moon Bay and twice at home.  Kris cooked Salmon and Crab on Tuesday and he made Linguini with Alfredo sauce and Prawns last night.  Yummy!

I've got to go babysit in about an hour, and I really need to make some progress on all those papers.  Fortunately I'm done with all of my readings for the semester and I'm done with my SFSP training.  I'm now officially a trained Suicide phone counselor.

Must... Stop... Procrastinating!  Must... Write... Personal Critical Paper.

I just can't seem to make any progress.  I did really well this morning and then I just got bored with it and started going all sideways.  I feel like I keep going over the same paragraph over and over and over again.  I don't know why I'm being so obnoxious, the final draft isn't even due for another three weeks I just need a reasonable rewrite, but it's going so slow!

I feel very disorganized and messy.  I still need to finish my Lexicon... which I don't mind at all because I'm doing paper dolls and I actually feel kind of guilty for working on that when I still need to finish my weekend reflection, and my rewrite of the critical reflection paper.

Everything has to be done by Friday... well Saturday to be technical about it.  I think I'm just going to have to keep mucking forward.  Maybe I should get away from the computer for a bit and come back to this tonight.  If I can finish my Personal Critical tomorrow, I feel confident that I can kick out my Reflection paper on Friday, and I'll finish the Lexicon on Thursday evening.

Ok.  I guess that's my plan.

So yesterday we went out to East Bay and went thrift shopping!  Between two Goodwills I found a bunch of really awsome clothes.  I kinda went crazy!  I usually hate buying clothes.  It's usually been my experience that if I'm really vigilant that I can find one or two really good outfits, but I usually have a lot of disappointment, it's very time consumming and I often end up wondering whether or not it was worth it at all.  Yesterday however I just kept finding things and I wanted it all.  I ended up with five outfits, three extra shirts, and a pretty black dress.  Mostly I got a lot of groovy skirts, and nice hippie shirts to match.

The funny thing was that as I was checking out at the first store... very very happy about my luck the cashier pointed out that the entire front section of the store was plus sized women's clothing and I hadn't even looked at that section!  I am so going back!!!

So last night I tried on all my cute cute outfits... figured out which shirts I like the best.  I ended up with so many shirts because I found some shirts that I liked better at the second shop.  I spent about $80 all togehter, but considering the sheer volume of clothes I picked up I think I did really well... of course I still have some of that cancerian guilt for spending so much money, and all on myself.  The origional plan was to shop for Tori, but the kids clothes looked severly picked over.

Anyway... I'm still feeling really good... and pretty too.  I can't wait to go to class and show off my new threads!

So... I have entered the next landscape of my accedemic journey toward truth.  The book I picked up is called The Cosmic Serpent: DNA and the Origins of Knowledge by Jeremy Narby.

In the first paragraph he quotes an Ashaninca man explaining how he learned herbal medicine.  "One learns these things by drinking ayahuasca."  And my heart skips a beat.  The crazy thing is that I picked this book up in the CIIS library, in the Anthropology section.  The cover art is an illustration of a snake next to a strand of DNA.  I had been looking for something to guide my newly appreciated sexual identity, or something about Jungian psychology.  I had Tori with me while I was browsing, and had followed her back to the anthropology section because she wouldn't stay still with me at the front of the library.  I was about to give up altogether, but I decided I wanted something... don't know why because I'm swamped with school work... so I decided to just grab the next thing that caught my eye and get out of there before Tori made a true nussance of herself.  Cosmic Serpent picture of snake on the spine.  I grabbed it.  DNA... not quite what I had in mind, but I am interested in DNA and in the Origin of knowledge so I checked it out without ever opening it up.

It wasn't until Kris was driving me home (I don't like to drive in downtown SF... crazy people!) that I opened up the book and looked inside.  And found out that the book is about Shamanism and the use of ayahuasca in South America.  The crazy thing thing is that I was first introduced to the world of shamanic hallusinogens of the Amazon by the book.  Life is as You Dream It by John Perkins I picked it up at the Marion County Library and read it during Lothlorien vacation.  I wanted to learn more about ayahuasca and the shamans who use it, and tried to find additional resources or leads for good books on the internet, but I was wondering down a blind ally.  There is info available but not the rich experiential information that was given my John Perkins and elaborated on by Jeremy Narby in Cosmic Serpent.  I'm really excited to have picked up the trail on this mystery so unexpectedly!

But really the ayahuasca thing is the tip of the iceberg... this book has got me envisioning the universe according to new rules altogether.  Ok not really new for me... but it does give me hope that there might be a way to step out of the self defeating loop of logical materialism.  Basically Narby has illustrated some good links suggesting that Shaman the world over have been able to observe molecular biology, and  the genetic qualities of botanics through the use of vision quests and hallucinogenics.  As crazy as that may sound to the rational mind, it's undeniable that the shaman of south america have been able to designe highly effective drugs.  Not something I would be interested in arguing to a modern pharmacological madman, but I find his explanations highly convincing.

Why am I getting into all of this now when I've got so much school work to finish!!!  Ah what the hell...  this stuff is just as important to my future as the things I'm learning in classes.  I'm actually starting to feel really excited to be taking Experiential Anatomy this summer. 

On the down side my black jeans have become unbearably tight around my middle and since I feel relatively confident that my pants have not been loosing weight there is only one other possibility.  I've got to get myself back on the wagon and soon.  I just don't want to stretch myself too thin (really bad phrase).  I don't really have much time to excercise it's all I can do to keep my head on straight.  I only have two more weeks of training sessions at SFSP.  I've been taking calls for the last two weeks... it's really not too bad.

Last night Kris and I and the girl went to Dani and Rachels house.  I love my school friends!  Rachel and I sang X-Box Kareoke.  Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Material Girl, and Lady Marmalade.  Dani and Denise sang I Got You Babe.  Jamie and Dani played with Tori a lot.  Even Hayden showed up which was really unexpected because he lives in Portland, OR.

It was really awsome to be in the company of such lovely people.  I still feel amazed that I get to go through an entire year of school with these people!  I would like to think that I will remain friends with some of these people for a very long time.  I feel connected to these individuals much more intimately than I ever experienced in highschool.  It amazes me how much easier it is to connect with people once I've let go of my own insecurities.

So much of my education right now involves the breaking of old patterns and habits, and learning how to relate to others on a deeper level.  I am so grateful that I have made this journey to California. 

Ok... so I've never been one for the whole organic health foods thing, but out here in California it's all the rage.  So I finally made a trip to Trader Joes which was ok, but felt somewhat awkward I didn't really know what I was doing, and I didn't know what a lot of the stuff was.  But I went ahead and bought a few things and on the list was multi-grain whole-grain oatmeal.  The stuff is fantastic!!!  I never really cared much for oatmeal before... mostly because it's so mushy.  But this stuff is really good.  I got sliced almonds and dried cranberries and honey to go in it.  It's so much better than anything Quaker Oats ever came up with.

Starting in May we're going to be attempting to switch over to a healthier lifestyle, and the first thing we will be overhauling is food.  I'm not planning on going all organic or anything.  Mostly we are going to be cutting out fast food, sizing down our portions and eating more fish and poultry and less pork and beef.  I feel very afraid about the major changes.  I know what a baby I am when it comes to food.  I'd much rather just excercise all the time and eat nautily... but I don't have time to excercise all the time, and even with daily excercising I don't loose any weight with my usual eating habits.

I'm going to be taking Experiential Anatomy this summer and I'm hoping that this course will help me to develope a greater respect for my body and everything it does for me.  One of the women in my Cohort does a dance class called NIA (or NEA maybe) and it's a yoga, tai chi, jazz/modern dance kind of thing.  I can't really do any classes until after my Training with SFSP is over, but as soon as my Monday's are free I plan on going to a class.  I really love to dance and I think I would like to have the opportunity to do that more.

Also the heated swimming pool is open, and I love to swim and do water aerobics and such.  If I can find some good on-line water aerobic instructions I may just get down and do that at least once a week.  I find I'm getting really bored with my Richard Simmons videos.  I don't mind excercising but there are some things that I love doing and other things that are tedious and no fun.  CIIS offers free Yoga classes but I would have to find a sitter for Tori if I wanted to attend.  I really like Yoga.  I like free Yoga even better!  But I don't know what to do with the girl.

I need to buy a bathroom scale too.  I think I do better when I'm able to check up on my progress regularly... like once a week.  If I check my weight daily I just make myself crazy.  Although I think I'm in a much healthier emotional state for dating than I ever was when I tried before.  I think I have finally stopped hating myself for my weight... right now I just really know that if I'm going to make it to middle age without getting type 2 Diabetes I will have to change something now.

Last night Kris and I began having the sex conversation again. It's only a big deal because we are so bad at talking about sex with one another. We both have a lot of vulnerabilities, insecurities, and complex feelings and even after ten years of marriage we are still in the process of learning how to speak honestly while maintaining some sensitivity to the needs of the other. I don't remember my dreams very clearly last night, but I woke up with a new understanding of my own constructs about sex.


It's so strange to recognize how hard it is for me to discuss sex with my own husband, while I feel so comfortable dancing naked in public. Is that weird? I mean it is weird... it's really just the product of my internal power conflict between these two personas. Dancing isn't about sex... it's about the sacred, and I can comfortably let the harlot rule. It's an outlet for an otherwise self-stiffled existance... plus there was usually alcohol involved which lowers my inhibitions just enough to allow me find that deeper level of myself. The harlot is definately deeper than the good girl, but she also isn't my real expression. I have to explore the harlot in order to integrate her into my self, but first I have to loosen the hold of the good girl. Maybe I should try talking to Kris under the influence of alcohol. I am definatly more honest when I've had a few drinks.

I haven't lost my internal momentum. I'm just having a hard time keeping up with recording things that I've been doing! I had my cohort last weekend, and got to go to school with all my beautiful classmates, but class itself was draining and difficult.

We just read Identity and Violence by Amartya Sen, and it was a very interesting and involving read. It discusses the reduction of our complex identities into a singular focus, and how this process is involved with violent cultural outbreaks. It also forces the reader to reconsider many common misassociations with the concept of Eastern and Western culture. I really enjoyed reading this.

So, this is the mask I made this weekend. It makes me want to be an artist. I loved the process of making it... feeling the glue between my fingers, and blending colors on the palet. I never thought of myself as an artist. I can't draw very well, and even when I do a sketch that I like I find it almost impossible to recreate the effect. I've got a whole new pespective on modern art too. Before I never really accepted modern art as art, but after working on this mask I'm starting to see art as a process and an experience rather than a final product. I want to do more. I want to experience this process again. I'm thinking about going to an art supply store and buying things to play with, clay, and paint, and plaster gauze. I'd like to do a cast of my torso... my breasts and belly. I love the way my own perspective on my face changed as a result of this process, and I would love to change my perspective on my body using the same process. I'd also like to do my hands and feet. When Tori is old enough I want to make a mask of her face, and let her decorate her own mask too. I feel very inspired! It's too soon to tell if this is something I will follow through on... I'm really busy and have a lot going on but I would really like to do more.

So much has happened this weekend. I had a really profound experience at the mask making workshop. I will take some digital photos of the mask I made and put that on-line. I'm really excited to show off what I've done. I've never considered myself much of an artist... but the entire process was so creative! It was magical.

I also had another really significant breakthrough with my totem animals. My dragon totem at my throat chakra died. I'm planning on writing all about that soon, but I have to run off again to do my volunteer work. I also promised someone from the Faeries Oracle yahoo group a reading tonight, so I've got that to do too! I'll probably put it off until tomorrow. I won't be home tonight until around 10 o'clock and the plan is to sit and watch Deadwood with the man!

So last night I revealed to Kris that I too am a dragon... It was all the result of a converstion that I had with Pearl about dragon nature, her role as my chakra guardian and as my guide and totem. She explained to me that she was a part of me that I had been running away from for a long time. That if I wanted her to grown and reach her potential I would have to be willing to accept my identity as a dragon.

I recognized that my greatest reservation about revealing this was the possiblity that this very crucial revelation would be rejected by Kris. I think that because I am very much in flux about what my dragon identity really is and really means to me, that Kris might see my experiences with my inner dragon as a threat to his very grounded dragon identity. I still identify myself amoung the faeries by the way... I'm just beginning to comprehend how complex and confusion my identity issues really are! I don't claim to know how all of this works in a metaphysical sense, I only know what is real and meaningful when it is looking me in the face.

Last night I got to have company! Dani from my cohort and her girlfriend Rachel, who is in the Psy. D. program that I want to go into both came over. I cooked spagetti and they brought a bottle of wine. It was really nice. Kind of made me feel like a grown up again.

Kris and I have been talking a lot over the last couple of days. Opening things up in some really good ways.

This weekend I get to go do my maskmaking workshop at CIIS. I'm really excited I think it will give me a chance to build on some of the totem work I've been doing, plus I'll get to make a nifty mask.

Registration for summer classes starts on Friday... I think I'm going to take Experiential Anatomy and a dance/movement workshop.

I'm making some pretty good money with the babysitting thing. In general things are going really well. I've got to do a rewrite on some papers and read the chapter on chakras for my on-line class. Exciting!

We went to the beach yesterday at Half Moon Bay. It was wonderful. We climbed around on the rocks and looked in puddles that had anemonies and starfish and hundreds of little clam shells. We collected shells and pretty rocks. We waded in the cold cold water... like ice! I tried to build a sand castle, but everytime I built up a good foundation a tiny foot would come crashing down right into the middle of all my hard work! I buried a coupld of tiny feet in the sand but they escaped. I stood in the surf with my eyes closed, listening and feeling the waves move in and out around me... even the numbness in my feet made me feel alive and whole. The sea is so big, and she reaches out to the sky so effortlessly. I think I have a lot to learn from the ocean, and I'm glad to be so near her. She's life and power, destruction and peace. I love her.

My procrastination has come to an end! Yesterday I began the rewrite on my personal critical paper for my BAC program. Today I wrote my 3 page paper for my on-line class and a little over 4 pages for my weekend reflection paper. Plus I played with Tori out in the courtyard. It's been a good day.

I started examining some of my gender stereotypes through my reflection paper, just another layer of crap starting to peel. I'm starting to recognize how much my troubled relationships of the past still influence my behaviors today. The biggest part was realizing how my father and mother have molded my interactions with men and women friends.

Ok so part of my quest is personal growth and healing, and part of my quest is to put my experiences into terms that may impact the popular scientific psychological paradigm. Last night I added a new layer to my theory.

I read two articles about how psychological professionals have essentially manufactured disorders in perfectly normal people, and while it is tragic I cannot honestly say I find this surprising considering everything I have learned since I began studying psychology seriously. It amazes me how blindly people will leap at following doctors who may be doing more damage to patients than good, and yet they remain so sceptical about the spiritualistic/holistic healing methods that not done any harm, but don't seem scientific. It occured to me that holistic methods need to be recast in a light that scientists can understand.

So I got my babysitting job. All together that puts me at my goal of earning between $50 and $100 dollars a week, consistently. So things should all be fine money wise from here on. I've worked out a payment arrangement for the $279 balance on my school bill. I'm still a little concerned about the extra $1000 cost on next semester for my Prior Learning Seminar, but I'm hoping I should be able to work that out too.

The bad news is that my procrastination is not getting any better. I still haven't gotten any new school work done! I've still got two and a half weeks before my cohort meets again but I need to make sure I'm not putting everything off until the last minute. I think I need to just slow down and take one thing at a time. When I think about everything together I just don't want to do it!

So I had an interview for another babysitting job today... it was a Murphy's interview... everything that could go wrong! I think she might hire me anyway... it sounded like she was planning on it... but second thoughts can be a bitch.

I'm still doing work and growing with my animal friends. Right now I'd rather play with my inner development than do my school work. I need to write a short 3 page paper on Synchronicity, a 4-5 page response to my cohort weekend. Read some more of the text for my Mask making workshop. Plus start reading Identity and Violence by Amartya Sen, and a print out by Starhawk... Then I have to work on my big paper for my Cohort... but all I really want to do is bury myself inside The Personal Totem Pole... read it to the end. I really should be more responsible about my time. So much to do! So little desire to do it. I shouldn't complain... I love my school, and I can't think of anything I would rather be writing about... well accept maybe my animals... I'm working on figuring out if I can fit them into my major paper. I'll have to see. Now I'm going to work on my reflection paper.

I'm getting in touch with my inner snake. I had a conversation with her and she told me that she was very angry with me for taking such a subservient role with Kris. She told me that I had never really given Kris the opportunity to form a healthy partnership with me because I continually insist on placing him above me. She pointed out that most of the things that I get angry at Kris over were created by me. She told me to back off and give him some space. She told me that I had to stop begging him to let me be his slave, and then hate him for accomidating my wishes. Stella encouraged me to start taking care of myself, and my needs and not to worry so much about Kris. I can't rescue him from his problems, my attempts to do so are really just another form of self victimization. It's up to Kris to deal with his problems and if he needs my help he will ask for it.

So last night for the first time in my life I had completely selfish and unselfconscious sex. I gave myself permission to completely express my sexual nature without feeling appologetic for it. It was really a wonderful experience. Amazing that I've been having sex for 10 years and this is the first time I've unbound my sexual energy and desire.